Silences
I haven't been the most prolific blogger recently, and here's why: I'm having a rough time.
Work has been hell on wheels recently. New, horrible, irresponsible, unreasonable boss whose own manager won't pull her in line. The whole team is demotivated, demoralised, and keen for her to leave.
The wedding planning has been pulling up all kinds of issues related to The Trouser's sister and her nasty husband. It's hard to talk about without going into gory details, but let's just say he makes up lies about us - but mostly me - and is the most vindictive bigot I've met in a long time. His lies are fairly unoriginal and transparent, but The Trouser's parents are not very switched on.
Which leads to this weekend's fiasco.
Our visit to The Trouser's parents' for Father's Day started off with the traditional "Doesn't The Skirt like dogs? Why not? She's scared of them? Our dog isn't scary! Even though she is scared of all dogs? We can convince her to looooove our dog by going on and on and ON about how lovely it is, and talking to it in baby talk."
It descended fairly quickly into even worse yuckiness: demands to look at their computer because they'd fucked it up again; offers to show us pictures of the sister's house, complaints about the mother's work, rah rah rah the sister and the impending baby, boo hoo we're so fat and need to diet (but continue to buy and consume fatty foods).
Bombshell #1: The Trouser's mother has already decided that they will come and visit us mid-2008 for a holiday, so we'd better get a place that has enough space for them. They want to visit the UK, so they will be expecting us to host them in Ireland. In our home. Which had better have room, but if not, we'll all "just have to make do" anyway.
Seriously, we don't have jobs or a place there yet, and they've already made demands.
Bombshell #2: The Trouser's father has quit his job (which was very tiring, the way he did it) and is now going to work on distribution rights for a soft drink in Australia and NZ. He has no relevant experience and no idea. They stand to lose quite a lot if it isn't successful. Like their income, and their (still substantially mortgaged) house.
Bombshell #3: Amidst a painful and ultimately pointless conversation about The Trouser's sister and husband, it was revealed that the husband had accused me of saying that WWII was a good thing, and had implied I was anti-Semitic. I wasn't suprised, but what really threw me was that after almost 6 years of knowing me, The Trouser's parents believed the husband over everything they'd personally experienced about me.
While the conversations may have made some headway - I finally got to react honestly, as opposed to being nice - I feel worse than ever. They trust the word of someone whom they both assert is "difficult" over anything they know of me. They make no attempt to defend me or think anything good about me. I'll never be their (spoiled brat of a) daughter, so I will never be family, and they will always defend their daughter's interests above anything to do with me, even when it is clearly wrong.
I don't want to see them ever again. I don't want them at our wedding - and definitely not as house guests.
I give up.
I need to stop feeling so upset, attacked, defenceless, and victimised. I need to figure out what sort of contact I am prepared to have. I also need to figure out if I want my father to tell his parents where to go (apparently he's been dying to do it for ages). I need to figure if I need The Trouser to do anything more on top of everything he's already tried to do (I don't think so though).
I just need space - mostly from them.
Since whingeing about in-laws is boring even when you know them, I'm going to try hard not to post about it. But since it's all I can think of right now, I'm not sure if I will be blogging for awhile.
Work has been hell on wheels recently. New, horrible, irresponsible, unreasonable boss whose own manager won't pull her in line. The whole team is demotivated, demoralised, and keen for her to leave.
The wedding planning has been pulling up all kinds of issues related to The Trouser's sister and her nasty husband. It's hard to talk about without going into gory details, but let's just say he makes up lies about us - but mostly me - and is the most vindictive bigot I've met in a long time. His lies are fairly unoriginal and transparent, but The Trouser's parents are not very switched on.
Which leads to this weekend's fiasco.
Our visit to The Trouser's parents' for Father's Day started off with the traditional "Doesn't The Skirt like dogs? Why not? She's scared of them? Our dog isn't scary! Even though she is scared of all dogs? We can convince her to looooove our dog by going on and on and ON about how lovely it is, and talking to it in baby talk."
It descended fairly quickly into even worse yuckiness: demands to look at their computer because they'd fucked it up again; offers to show us pictures of the sister's house, complaints about the mother's work, rah rah rah the sister and the impending baby, boo hoo we're so fat and need to diet (but continue to buy and consume fatty foods).
Bombshell #1: The Trouser's mother has already decided that they will come and visit us mid-2008 for a holiday, so we'd better get a place that has enough space for them. They want to visit the UK, so they will be expecting us to host them in Ireland. In our home. Which had better have room, but if not, we'll all "just have to make do" anyway.
Seriously, we don't have jobs or a place there yet, and they've already made demands.
Bombshell #2: The Trouser's father has quit his job (which was very tiring, the way he did it) and is now going to work on distribution rights for a soft drink in Australia and NZ. He has no relevant experience and no idea. They stand to lose quite a lot if it isn't successful. Like their income, and their (still substantially mortgaged) house.
Bombshell #3: Amidst a painful and ultimately pointless conversation about The Trouser's sister and husband, it was revealed that the husband had accused me of saying that WWII was a good thing, and had implied I was anti-Semitic. I wasn't suprised, but what really threw me was that after almost 6 years of knowing me, The Trouser's parents believed the husband over everything they'd personally experienced about me.
While the conversations may have made some headway - I finally got to react honestly, as opposed to being nice - I feel worse than ever. They trust the word of someone whom they both assert is "difficult" over anything they know of me. They make no attempt to defend me or think anything good about me. I'll never be their (spoiled brat of a) daughter, so I will never be family, and they will always defend their daughter's interests above anything to do with me, even when it is clearly wrong.
I don't want to see them ever again. I don't want them at our wedding - and definitely not as house guests.
I give up.
I need to stop feeling so upset, attacked, defenceless, and victimised. I need to figure out what sort of contact I am prepared to have. I also need to figure out if I want my father to tell his parents where to go (apparently he's been dying to do it for ages). I need to figure if I need The Trouser to do anything more on top of everything he's already tried to do (I don't think so though).
I just need space - mostly from them.
Since whingeing about in-laws is boring even when you know them, I'm going to try hard not to post about it. But since it's all I can think of right now, I'm not sure if I will be blogging for awhile.
posted by The Skirt at 9:20 am
6 Comments:
I was going to email you but you don't have a link to your email on your blog... sorry to hear you're having a rough time and I completely understand about not being able to think of anything else. Just focus on you and the Trouser no matter what else is going down around you - I've been there and come through the other side and the one thing that has been constant and strong is my relationship with George.
I do hope you still blog, but if you feel you need a break take it!
Poor baby!
I hate to say it, but I've been married to my husband 20 years now and the same in-laws crap is still going on! During a rough patch last year I almost gave up and chucked the whole marriage because of them (that is their wish) EXCEPT that I really do love my husband. Sorry. (Wishes not fulfilled.)
Basically, make sure that you REALLY love the Trouser because the same shit will be happening 20 years from now.
My relationship with my in-laws started out the same way. They were convinced that I was ruining their son's life. I couldn't understand it because I was their first daughter-in-law who wasn't pregnant when she got married, I had a college education and a job, and I didn't expect them to support us financially. The good news is that things got better--not overnight--but they got better. You don't have to make them happy--only the Trouser. Hang in there!
Thanks for your support and advice :-)
Luckily we love each other more than anything, and we're very committed to staying together!
Good comments and I agree that the two of you are the only ones who really matter in all of this.
My friend is in a similar situation to you, 15 years on and still happening, and the sister-in-law has even accused her son of abusing her spoilt brat daughter. It's hard but she copes by avoiding them as much as possible. People only change when they realise a need to and it sounds like these people aren't there yet, so take evasive action and put your own happiness first.
I also have a situation in my family which I do my best to avoid, it's not ideal but then neither are the alternatives. Good luck and hang in there.
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