Friday, February 10, 2006

The problems (and maybe how to fix them)

It's been a shite ol' time for me recently, work- and knitting-wise, and even personally to some extent.

Surprisingly, The Trouser and I have pulled together and feel closer than ever, even though I've been a grumpy, weepy mess for awhile (thanks sweetheart!).

But I'm determined to sort it all out.

The most trivial problem is that I'm short a ball or two of wool to complete my evil black cardigan. It's an obscure wool, hell to knit with, and I really like the result so far on my cardigan. I've asked the shop to investigate how I could get another couple of balls, but I might have to undo it all. If I do, I'm washing the wool and then biffing it.

In a less trivial vein, I am still feeling isolated from The Trouser's family. As much as I am part of the family when it suits them, his parents still see me as an outsider when they want to. It's convenient for their purposes, but it means I get all the responsibility and none of the pay-off.

And while I am truly thrilled that my family treat The Trouser the opposite way (all love, no responsibility unless he elects to take it on), I'm a bit envious of him. Everyone loves and supports him, but his family only really take what they want.

I know I need to get over this - I can't make them change their behaviour, and I think it's mostly subconscious anyway. It's hard to do, and the only way I can see me managing it right now is by refusing to be obliged or responsible more and more. More honesty and less being nice, including my reactions to inane comments about wedding plans ("Don't get a band with old people. I hate looking at old people. Attractive young people are much nicer to look at." or "Don't wear green, that's horrible.").

The work thing is the most complicated. Problems include:
- I am really good at what I do - an over-achiever. (I know, it sounds arrogant, but you have to have a decent idea of how good you are at things, and I am good at my work. I can feel it, but I also get that feedback from others.) The problem? My workplace doesn't really value over-achievers.

- I am really committed to and passionate about my work. My workplace doesn't really value commitment and passion. Slow and steady and inefficient tends to get you more respect.

How to fix these problems?
- Try to take less and less on, and to pick projects I like doing. There's usually plenty of stuff going on so I can at least try to avoid the annoying bits by being too busy.

- Care less. After all, it's only a year and I am not my work. Also, I can't make people be responsible or conscientious or even vaguely mature. So stop caring so much. (Yes, this will be the hard one.)

- Stop being bitter. It's horrible and soul-destroying. Maybe I need to be salted to remove bitterness, like how you salt an aubergine or bitter gourd?

- Finally, get more of a life outside of work. Again, I am not my work.


Blogger Violet said...

that must be tough, having a family of in-laws that don't seem to respect you. You can't easily change your in-laws, but you can change your job...

3:24 pm  

Post a Comment

<< Home