Thursday, December 21, 2006

The meaning of life

I haven't been blogging much because, honestly, I haven't had much I've wanted to say.

It's been a rough few weeks, and what we've learned most of all is that old habits die very hard.

I've been questioning my feelings and reactions so much that I'm having a hard time letting myself just feel. For me, it's important to know if my feelings of hurt/ anger/ frustration are justified, or if they're an over-reaction. I thelps me to keep a (relatively) balanced worldview.

But not being sure if I'm right to feel how I do makes everything very complicated.

I think I need to learn to take less responsibility. That's right, less responsibility. Because in my family, my role is to do the hard work for others, and also to be the fall-guy at all times. I have to make the sacrifices, and they have to be made.

It's hard to understand - and even harder to overcome - 28 years of being placed in this role. I know I don't want it anymore, and that it's up to me to communicate this, but not to feel guilty when my family don't like it. My happiness has to start taking first place.

The Trouser thinks it's a bit of an existential crisis (hence the title). I don't know if it is - but I know that it's a really, really important realisation, and an important time for me to gather my thoughts and take action.

I believe that souls (spirits - whatever, I like the word "soul") can be re-born. I believe that my sould has a journey that will span many lifetimes, and that the lessons my soul learns will take multiple lifetimes to learn. For example, I was once told that my father and I had clashed for many lifetimes, and that we would continue to do so until the issue was resolved.

So I could run away from my problems, but they'll only come back - and I believe in my next lifetime. I feel like I owe it to myself (and my past selves, as well as my future selves) to make a concerted effort to really understand and work on these issues.

This blog has been my outlet for my frustrations (as well as a lot of fun!), and I am nervous about giving up the safety of anonyblogging about my real feelings, and moving to a new blog where people will know it's me, and people I know will actually read it. Especially now.

But it's time.

Not quite yet - I'll be back to tell you where I'm going, should you care to follow me.

3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Good. Because I definitely want to follow you!

4:46 pm  
Anonymous Bobbi said...

Happy New Year, Skirt! Here's wishing you and the Shirt all the best for 2007!

5:22 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

hey there - just came back to check on how you're going. I hope you're doing ok. is the wedding still going ahead? Do you have a new blog yet?

5:11 pm  

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