Sunday, January 28, 2007

So long, farewell, auf Wiedersehen, adieu

We've finally started our new blog, and while it's still very brief, it's finally there.

So this is my final anonyblogging post.

If you'd like to visit, I'd love to see you there. You'll find out my real name, who The Trouser is, and eventually even see photos of us!

So for the final time, thank you for your compassion, support, words of wisdom and excellent sense of humour. It's been... quite something, really.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Hanging in there

I'm still here! Not blogging so much, but still here.

The new blog - our joint blog, which will be an interesting experience - is not yet ready. I'd like The Trouser to come up with a nifty template, including a photo (all will be revealed). Yet despite his enthusiasm for the occasional dabble in web design, and his overwhelming enthusiasm for his new camera, no dice.

Enh. We'll get there.

Meanwhile, we've been working hard. Yesterday it was a month until our wedding, so we've been sorting lots of stuff: girls' shoes, my dress fittings, makeup artist, hair stuff, The Trouser's shoes, suits... We're really getting there!

After much discussion, we decided what we were comfortable with regarding my father and the wedding: no walking me down the aisle, no wearing a suit to match the men in the wedding party, and no speech. He and my mother will give a toast together. And if he tries to make an impromptu speech or to grandstand generally, he will be shut down. (He did the former at a cousin's wedding, and he does the latter all the time, so we do have to specifically mention these things.) It isn't ideal, and I know I will be stressed out, but it's better than upsetting every0one by un-inviting him.

Meanwhile after their Xmas breaks, both parents seem to be pretending that nothing ever happened. My mother knows that this has been hugely upsetting for us, and that we want a lot of space and need support, so it is incredibly annoying and frustrating that she invites us over to dinner and to talk wedding stuff with them, as if nothing had ever happened. She's burying her head in the sand, as usual, and our relationship suffers as a result. She can't acknowledge that my father emotionally abused me, and that she should have believed me when I told her what he was doing. She also can't acknowledge that she needs to stop focusing on keeping him happy, and look at trying to repair some of the damage.

My father hasn't contacted me since we gave them their Xmas presents and he ignored me, like he always does when he isn't busy bullying me. Fun times.

I am really looking forward to leaving this all behind. Only 7 1/2 more days of work, less than a month to the wedding, and we leave for Dublin (via our honeymoon in Hong Kong, Goa and Crete) on 5 March.

I'm looking forward to time to think about these issues, then deal with them - all with physical and emotional space from my family. I don't think I can ever get back to the closeness that my mother and I once had, and I will never again trust my father, so things will never be the same. But instead, I hope that I will feel better and more confident in myself. I value family, but not at the expense of my own happiness.

So we're still hanging in there. My knitting has suffered somewhat, but I've managed to churn out a couple of cute things - might save the pics for the new blog though - hopefully coming soon!